She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
