I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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