Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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