rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.