i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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