I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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