im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize