I haven't been this sober since birth.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
