I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
