ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
