Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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