I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen