I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
