More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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