I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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