I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize