Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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