Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
