well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
