Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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