I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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