i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
