I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
