Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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