mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
