Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
