Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
