chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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