omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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