Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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