my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
