i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
