so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
