what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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