I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
