I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
