So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
