the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
