wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
