Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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