I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
