please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
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Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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