You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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