You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
