good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
