im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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