I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
