Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
