And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize