I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
