He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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