well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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