made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
