Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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