I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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