I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
